All We Are Saying....

We are not any better nor any worse than those we harm....

A few weeks ago, right after the Paris terrorist attacks, I changed my Facebook profile picture to black. I know this action wouldn't solve any great world dilemma but it was the only way-through social media-that I could resonate with an ever growing ugly world. I couldn't just say pray for Paris or the world, even though I did. I couldn't wrap what I was feeling in a nice little emoji or hashtag, even though I tried. I couldn't accept how we are all acting all the time, even though I am beginning to.

Our world is falling apart because we're tearing it apart. Not because we lost faith or our way but because we got greedy and we decided that our own personal convictions were all that mattered. If you think that you're immune to this behavior...I dare you to go through one day completely thinking of others and doing for others. Your end result will be exhausting and get back to me when you do.
 
Reluctantly, I changed my profile picture back to something more upbeat. I didn't want to be the only curmudgeon in the group and I've been trying desperately hard to keep all social media light and full of light.

However, staying positive and not going off the deep end myself is tough because in every direction is yet another crappy story of an equally crappy human doing something above and beyond the crap-o-meter. And we can't take our eyes off the train wreck in order to clean up the wreckage.

All in the name of a conviction. All in the name of a belief. All in the name of an opinion. God forbid that we might be all a little right as much as we are all a little wrong.

So, here I am once again ranting-behind a safety net of computer keys because it's easier than fighting in person and I'm not sure I ever would because at the end of the day, I was raised to choose my battles and respect people-regardless of how disrespectful they were to me. I was raised to rise above but how much more above to I have to get before you start to float too?

I don't have all the solutions to all the world's problems but I do have concerns and frustrations and a sadness in me that just can't grasp how violent we have all become. We seemed to have come so far with progress yet we've turned ourselves into bat-shit crazy lunatics willing to brawl at any given moment....for any given reason. We yell. We scream. We throw temper tantrums and then we shell out excuses like race, religion, political preference, etc. Never is the reason just accountability. It's like the whole world has taken a sip of the angry liquor bottle and become cantankerous.

One evil and awful action after the other.... 

I bring this up because on Thursday, I have a doctors appointment. At a Planned Parenthood in Colorado. I'm not going to receive an abortion or even look into one. I'm going to get my ovaries checked out because two years ago I was diagnosed with ovarian cysts, which is one step closer to ovarian cancer-one of the worst types of cancers you can have. After having a cyst burst, I chose a Planned Parenthood to examine me. Despite what many of you may think, 40 hour work weeks and full time/part time employment doesn't necessarily guarantee health benefits, decent pay, and the luxury to hand pick doctors. Regardless, I respect this health center. Know why? Because, they-unlike other health centers-specialize in women's health.

So-instead of just being nervous about what a doctor might tell me...I'm now also nervous about whether or not I'm going to get shot down before I even get any news...because we all know bat-shit-crazy behavior is contagious and it spawns other bat-shit-crazy behavior and nowadays fear is the only thing any of us understand. It's how we communicate now.

Now, you can rebuttal with, "Why not choose a different doctor?" And, to that I say...Why should I? Why should I have to change health care centers because of some maniac? Why aren't the maniacs having to change their behaviors?

I have since established health insurance but you know what I still choose Planned Parenthood as my health care provider. Because, unlike what you are told, Planned Parenthood is and has always been a Women's Health Care facility first that caters to women and women's issues! But. If I was going there for an abortion-which given my history and my mother's history-could become a reality one day-it is-BOTTOM LINE-None. Of. Your. Business.

And, don't give me that tax rhetoric or even the poorly edited or that chopped misguided slander that was hyped up like the ice bucket challenge. A) your tax dollars go to overall health plans and centers not just Planned Parenthood. B) Planned Parenthood does not sell fetal tissue but I tell you what does sell baby parts and you all eat them every time you put a yummy chicken nugget in your mouth.

Mmmmm. Delicious.

Yep, All baby parts! Except those babies are alive, you know...out of a womb...chirping all around. Then. Boom!!! In the grinder they all go to feed you and your fat American, Holier Than Thou, mouth. 

Furthermore, I have worked in an abortion clinic. I have been yelled at. I have been spit on and cursed at. I have been in the trenches with those women. It was me who sat with them in the recovery room. Listening to their stories and you know what...not once did I hear one of them say, "I just thought this was an easy fix."

What I did hear was everything but that. And, no I'm not wrapping this subject in a nice little defensive bow but what I am saying is No! I don't deserve to die! As the jerk on Twitter so eloquently tweeted-for choosing Planned Parenthood. No! I don't deserve to get harassed by the likes of ignorance. No! I shouldn't have to ask my partner to escort me to my doctors appointment, possibly with his licensed gun-in-hand, just to feel safe. Just to see if yet another year I am sans the big "C".

Besides, I'm not coming into your house with facts and logic! Throwing daggers in the shape of bullets just to really drive the point home. I'm not trying to tell you how to live and getting so upset with how you are doing things that I need to force you to think my way. I'm not your keeper-whatever keeper that may be-but I do hope that one day, down the road, that we-since we've come so far-that we continue to go further in an educated, well behaved manner. Instead of this crap.

I know things have always been like this. One of the world's oldest books reveals this chapter after chapter. The one with the biggest guns (figuratively and literally speaking) always wins. For ages we have been fighting each other just to prove that we're right while the other is wrong. But, that's the thing...at this point...we are all WRONG!!! Or doing it all wrong! Which is worse...seeing how that we are constantly aware of how terrible things are but we still choose to turn the other cheek or blame the other side.

We are all responsible and we all know better!

There is a light at the end of this oppressive tunnel though and that light lay within us. It just takes work and letting go of ego. It will take hearing and listening and working together, despite our differences. Most importantly, it's going to take respect from everyone for everyone-regardless of creed, color, or kind.

*update. Not even one week later we have yet again another mass shooting. 

Can You Hear Me

I wrote you a letter. I told you I was sorry and that I missed you but was happy that you walked away. When you did, I fell in love...with myself, with him, with the world around me. 

I learned how to live again.

I wrote you all these words and in my head it meant something but in reality it means nothing at all. 

You are there and I am here and we can never go back. 

Nor walk side by side and swipe tales of revelry.

But the memory will last and I'll always look back with heartbreak and heartwarming despair.

It was us for a moment. 

There's An Advice Column In My Head

A long time ago, I had a terrible crush on an equally terrible guy. When he found out I had a crush on him, he responded by saying that if he exhausted all other options then maybe we could date. Ouch! I was hurt but it was a crush and the title seemed to foretell its future.

I hear he's writing a book now and I am happy to say I am a published writer as well but he'll never know that. He'll, like most of my crushed crushes, will never know that we could have worked, if given a shot. But, what's that saying? How's that song go? "Thank God for unanswered prayers?" Yea, I got this....thank you for showing me who you really are. Without that one move, this move would have never happened.

That's the thing about life...it offers up more than one navigational tool at a time and you have to choose accordingly or just buckle up and pray that the path you choose isn't going to shoot you right into a mountain side. Most likely you're going to choose the road less traveled, whatever the hell that means, and its going to be bumpy and ugly and gut wrenching so you'll need an air bag and a helmet and your favorite survival soundtrack.

But don't be scared. Hopefully, along the way you'll make a difference to someone and they'll do the same to you. Those are the people you want to cherish. Those are the people you want to honor and hold dear. Just decipher whether they're roots people or leaf people first. Trust. This distinction will help a heap in the long run, I promise. Of course, both are good and fun but as you get older, time becomes more precious and those who take up your time will understand this. 

My roots people are long term-we'll equally go to any length to get one and another out of a Mexican prison or any other slightly scary, sad, or squirrelly situation. We'll always be in each others lives. There will never be a good enough reason not to be. That's the pact we made and those types of pacts are unbreakable. 

My leaf people I will always hold dear and my memories will continue to make me laugh, cry, smile, and pout because it didn't pan out but we-going in-had an expiration date going out and we ignored it because regardless of life or time or whatever that we knew would inevitably tear us apart, we wanted to stay and experience each others road. So we did and it taught us something about one another. It always does. No harm nor foul and after all the disappointment and anger settled, life got back on track. Lesson learned and there is love still yet to give. As Tupac famously coined, "I ain't mad at cha." In fact, I hear you're doing well and I hope you know that I am too. You'd be proud, actually. I am proud of you...it's all I ever wanted but then again isn't that what we want...happiness.

Not bitterness.

The A-Ha moments that came a moment too late or too soon-however you look at the cup. The I wish I had and I did but it was awkward and I'm never doing that shit again moment. The Wow! That just happened happening. The story that never stops getting told. You see, it still all counts, it still all matters.

It shows you've lived so stop feeling bad already. You'll get rejected and you'll be loved. You'll hurt just like you'll in bliss and you'll realize that yes, in the long run, everything does happen for a reason and you'll be okay. You'll eventually be handed what you've been asking for the whole time: love, truth, happiness, peace...wholeness.

No Rest For The Wicked.

"I'm wild just like a rock, a stone, a tree
And I'm free, just like the wind the breeze that blows
And I flow, just like a brook, a stream, the rain
And I fly, just like a bird up in the sky
And I'll surely die, just like a flower plucked
And dragged away and thrown away
And then 1 day it turns to clay
It blows away, it finds a ray, it finds its way
And there it lays until the rain and sun
Then I breathe, just like the wind the breeze that blows
And I grow, just like a baby breastfeeding
And it's beautiful, that's life and that's life
And that's life and that's life." Humble Mumble, Erykah Badu

Welcome to my lovely life, it's a tale that's quite a tale and if you have time I'll tell it.....

It's Friday and I'm a few hours shy of closing time. The psychic line I work for closes at nine. No, I'm not a psychic-just the middle woman and my boss's go to gal. But if I was, I don't think I'd have any clients anyhow. Not that I don't think I'm not gifted because I am. I'd have to be there has been one too many things happen in my life to not be gifted. I just don't do well with crazy and needy and grumpy.

The list of to-do's that was staring me straight in the face at the beginning of the week is now done and I feel like a gansta. Damn, it feels good to be a gansta. For the past year, I have been doing nothing but making gansta steps and it's time that I recognized it for what it is. A really good fucking job! Pardon the expletive.

You see, it wasn't always like this. No need to drudge all that back up again but I will say...before I got here...I was on one long, treacherous rode of self deprecation and bad decisions. Still, if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have changed a thing. It led me here and I am a wild woman. I need my odyssey's. It's the only way I will ever feel alive and I've accepted it. In fact, I thrive on it.

When I left my tribe over a year ago, I knew things had a 50/50 shot of going well. People thought I had lost my mind but I knew I was perfectly sane. I knew that if I stayed one more year where I was, on the hamster wheel I was riding, I eventually lose my shit. It took coming back to visit to get the affirmation I was looking for: being a wild woman was my path and I needed to stay on it.

Sure, I miss my tribe but living in the woods, in the middle of the mountains, has changed me. For the better. I wake up lighter and fuller than I ever have. I wake up and do yoga. I write more. I write more about living life than living the struggles of life. I create, I study, I honor the moon and all its power. I make love with love in my heart and I'm no longer afraid that that love will hurt me. I trust it won't. I finally trust. I see the positive and let go of the negative. There are still days and moments don't get me wrong but for the most part I am utterly okay in my skin. I feel stronger and braver and more in control than I ever have and I have the gusto to get up and go. I am conquering dreams and fulfilling goals-step-by-step and I'm no longer bitter about doing so. Call it being 35 or just wisdom but I am in peace.

Busy but at peace.