When One Door Closes

Right after my 36^th birthday, my job went to an app service. There was no need for my position and I wasn’t all that heart-broken. I knew that that was the direction we were going…so mentally, I was prepared for it. To be honest, I really didn’t think there was going to be any position for me after we went all 21^st century. However, my boss wanted to keep me around. She felt I had other talents that she found useful and therefore she wanted me to stay.

And, just like that I…after years of wanting, wishing, trying…became an actual, bonafied, paid-for-my-words writer.  I’ve been published before. But never paid. And, when I got paid, what I wrote never got published. I think they just paid me to get me outta their hair. Who knows? That same week…I submitted 20 photographs to a stock-photo company and one was accepted…and I couldn’t be more elated.

Wait. I know. At this point, you must be scratching your head as to why I am so excited about the tiny accomplishments before me. Yes, I know only one picture made it but it’s one more than I had before and as far as the writing goes….my whole life…that’s all I ever wanted. It just took 33 years to really believe I could do it. I have a lot to say and those things all swirl around in my head, waiting for an escape. And, for as long as I can remember…writing as always been the one consistent outlet. Also, when you grow up with a single Mom and every penny is counted…the cheaper hobbies take precedence.

Photography came next but not until much, much later.

Most importantly though, I have always wanted to be a sustainable artist. I have always wanted to be able to support myself through the things I create: be it through lens or through pens. I’ve never wanted to be a starving artist nor have I ever had the luxury. Most “starving” artists have not-so starving artist parents. Just an observation I have made from living in a very artistic community for many years.

Anyway, so that’s why I celebrate the tiny victories. It’s not that it’s this massive thing that needs to be screamed out load but I can sit back and look back…at just how far I’ve come. The things I’ve always wanted will and always have come my way…they just come in a different form that what I initially envisioned.

There’s this book I’m reading right now. Actually, I’m almost finished with it. In January I started this thing about reading more books and being less involved with social media. It has been the best decision I made for myself. The. Best. Decision. 1) I’m less annoyed at people-strangers and non-strangers. 2) I’m less anxious. 3) I get better sleep. 4) I’m enjoying reading much more than I ever have. I mean, I loved reading but now I kinda tweak out if I haven’t read in a few days. All in all it’s been a great new habit. With that, I’m on my seventh book and it’s called Year of Yes by Shonda Rimes. She is the writer for Thursday night TV hits like, Private Practice and Grey’s Anatomy. I don’t really watch either show or any of her other shows for that matter but to be fair, that’s only because I’m usually never by a TV until 10pm and when I am-I usually watch movies. I guess I just got tired of every show being based on screaming women yelling at other screaming women. Regardless, her book has been awe-inspiring and even though she hasn’t reached me in her television audience…she has with her literary one and I couldn’t be more motivated to push on. Thank you, Shonda!!!

Her book is like a self-help book on steroids. It’s not really meant to be one giant motivational speech but her excitement and energy is raw and you can feel it throughout her year or essentially believing in herself.

So, while I continue to work hard and “laying down track,” as Ms. Rimes puts it, the small photos sold here and the freelance paid writing gigs there-all in the end-will amount to something. It’s a stepping stone to something bigger and more sustainable.

And, I could look at this whole-changing-position thing so horribly but I refuse to. I know am losing an income at a time when I wasn’t ready to lose it but honestly, this step into the future is the right move for my boss’s company and let’s face it, the right move for me. I have some in savings and I’m damned determined to be earning double by this time next year. All on my own skills.

Not to mention, it wasn’t that long ago that I was watching pennies. Going back to that whole growing up with a single mom. This summer is about cheap, free, and hard work. Of course, not everything will be free or cheap or hard work for that matter but I dubbed it that so it’s going to be that and my hard work isn’t all that hard or much work. It’s more about me believing that I can do it and doing it so I will. In retrospect, no matter how prepared you are for life’s little hiccups you’re never really that prepared. It’s okay. I swear. You’ll survive. You’ll find out how strong you are…I mean, this is small potatoes compared to all the things I’ve been through.

Ah. The glory of getting older. You are more capable of handling life’s curve balls without losing your lunch.

I can curse it all or embrace it as someone’s way of nudging me in a direction I knew I wanted to be in but was deathly afraid of the unknowing. Last thing, I want is to fail. But then again, I knew what failure felt like. I was inevitably failing myself when I refused to listen to my desires.

Around 33, I had an evolution of spirit and since then this mantra has continued to reverberate. I move to it. I sway my hips to it. I dance like no one’s watching. The louder the beat gets the fiercer I become.

“I will get there,” I say.

 “Behind that door isn’t so scary…soon it will be a comfortable automated motion as well.” I tell myself and just as I was right soon it becomes exactly that.