When One Door Closes

Right after my 36^th birthday, my job went to an app service. There was no need for my position and I wasn’t all that heart-broken. I knew that that was the direction we were going…so mentally, I was prepared for it. To be honest, I really didn’t think there was going to be any position for me after we went all 21^st century. However, my boss wanted to keep me around. She felt I had other talents that she found useful and therefore she wanted me to stay.

And, just like that I…after years of wanting, wishing, trying…became an actual, bonafied, paid-for-my-words writer.  I’ve been published before. But never paid. And, when I got paid, what I wrote never got published. I think they just paid me to get me outta their hair. Who knows? That same week…I submitted 20 photographs to a stock-photo company and one was accepted…and I couldn’t be more elated.

Wait. I know. At this point, you must be scratching your head as to why I am so excited about the tiny accomplishments before me. Yes, I know only one picture made it but it’s one more than I had before and as far as the writing goes….my whole life…that’s all I ever wanted. It just took 33 years to really believe I could do it. I have a lot to say and those things all swirl around in my head, waiting for an escape. And, for as long as I can remember…writing as always been the one consistent outlet. Also, when you grow up with a single Mom and every penny is counted…the cheaper hobbies take precedence.

Photography came next but not until much, much later.

Most importantly though, I have always wanted to be a sustainable artist. I have always wanted to be able to support myself through the things I create: be it through lens or through pens. I’ve never wanted to be a starving artist nor have I ever had the luxury. Most “starving” artists have not-so starving artist parents. Just an observation I have made from living in a very artistic community for many years.

Anyway, so that’s why I celebrate the tiny victories. It’s not that it’s this massive thing that needs to be screamed out load but I can sit back and look back…at just how far I’ve come. The things I’ve always wanted will and always have come my way…they just come in a different form that what I initially envisioned.

There’s this book I’m reading right now. Actually, I’m almost finished with it. In January I started this thing about reading more books and being less involved with social media. It has been the best decision I made for myself. The. Best. Decision. 1) I’m less annoyed at people-strangers and non-strangers. 2) I’m less anxious. 3) I get better sleep. 4) I’m enjoying reading much more than I ever have. I mean, I loved reading but now I kinda tweak out if I haven’t read in a few days. All in all it’s been a great new habit. With that, I’m on my seventh book and it’s called Year of Yes by Shonda Rimes. She is the writer for Thursday night TV hits like, Private Practice and Grey’s Anatomy. I don’t really watch either show or any of her other shows for that matter but to be fair, that’s only because I’m usually never by a TV until 10pm and when I am-I usually watch movies. I guess I just got tired of every show being based on screaming women yelling at other screaming women. Regardless, her book has been awe-inspiring and even though she hasn’t reached me in her television audience…she has with her literary one and I couldn’t be more motivated to push on. Thank you, Shonda!!!

Her book is like a self-help book on steroids. It’s not really meant to be one giant motivational speech but her excitement and energy is raw and you can feel it throughout her year or essentially believing in herself.

So, while I continue to work hard and “laying down track,” as Ms. Rimes puts it, the small photos sold here and the freelance paid writing gigs there-all in the end-will amount to something. It’s a stepping stone to something bigger and more sustainable.

And, I could look at this whole-changing-position thing so horribly but I refuse to. I know am losing an income at a time when I wasn’t ready to lose it but honestly, this step into the future is the right move for my boss’s company and let’s face it, the right move for me. I have some in savings and I’m damned determined to be earning double by this time next year. All on my own skills.

Not to mention, it wasn’t that long ago that I was watching pennies. Going back to that whole growing up with a single mom. This summer is about cheap, free, and hard work. Of course, not everything will be free or cheap or hard work for that matter but I dubbed it that so it’s going to be that and my hard work isn’t all that hard or much work. It’s more about me believing that I can do it and doing it so I will. In retrospect, no matter how prepared you are for life’s little hiccups you’re never really that prepared. It’s okay. I swear. You’ll survive. You’ll find out how strong you are…I mean, this is small potatoes compared to all the things I’ve been through.

Ah. The glory of getting older. You are more capable of handling life’s curve balls without losing your lunch.

I can curse it all or embrace it as someone’s way of nudging me in a direction I knew I wanted to be in but was deathly afraid of the unknowing. Last thing, I want is to fail. But then again, I knew what failure felt like. I was inevitably failing myself when I refused to listen to my desires.

Around 33, I had an evolution of spirit and since then this mantra has continued to reverberate. I move to it. I sway my hips to it. I dance like no one’s watching. The louder the beat gets the fiercer I become.

“I will get there,” I say.

 “Behind that door isn’t so scary…soon it will be a comfortable automated motion as well.” I tell myself and just as I was right soon it becomes exactly that.  

Just Around The Corner

Today was, "Do what you need to do to take care of you day." I dubbed it this because for the past few weeks I haven't felt one ounce of magical mojo. My creative juices have been null and void and it's been a big-time bummer. So, this morning when I sat in my home office chair...one thing led to another and without any rhyme or reason I started and finished two websites that I have been putting off. While also, going through oodles of emails flagged, "freelance" jobs available. No, I'm not desperately trying to earn a buck instead both the websites and freelance jobs are representative of my creative outlets that one day hopefully will become a sustainable and livable form of income. So far it's just a hobby and a medium for artists to support other artists.

I've never really thought I was that great at anything but I always wanted to do something. I wanted to dye my hair a funky color cause it matched my imaginative personality. I always wanted to go to craft shows, DIY markets, art walks and such and be not just a patron but a seller as well. I always wanted to be that girl...the creative bohemian. Now, finally after all these years...I can say I am beginning to make that happen. You may wonder...(the whole two of you that stumble onto my blog)...why it has taken me so long to accomplish this? Well, self-confidence for one and for two-when you're broke....creativity becomes a luxury, not a priority. At a few weeks shy of 36, my self-confidence is soaring and my wallet isn't empty. For starters, I don't care what anyone thinks anymore. So that makes me less apt to shy away from cultivating my sublime life. Secondly, nooo-I'm not rolling in millions but I am finally reaping the rewards of all my hard work. At almost 36, I finally have enough money to: save, pay bills with, and play with. I'm no longer robbing Paul to pay Peter or deciphering which obligation, which bill, which adult responsibility, which whatever has greatest importance.

Finally.

So, in this present moment I planted the proper seeds for my subsequent destiny. Mark my words...a year from now I will be able to say that I am a living, breathing working artist. Among all the creative creators. This feels good, this feels right and I couldn't be more elated.

Fight, Fight....Don't Give Up the Fight!

I know a lot of people say what I'm about to say. In fact, I can guarantee that everyone has said or will say what I'm about to say at least once in their lifetime. I HATE MY JOB! I hate the shitty pay I make, I hate the shitty hours I work, I hate the shitty clients I cater to, and most importantly I hate that I have to pretend that I care. I don't. I don't care one bit. In fact, as my tax return states-I am now paying money to keep this shitty job. Now, before you get all up in arms about what it is I do-relax. I'm not doing anything of any substance. I take money from low income folks looking for a quick fix.


I answer phones for a psychic line.

I'm not a psychic myself. Dear God, no. If I were, I'd have no clients because what I've learned from this job is women who rely on psychics are some of the most awful human beings on the planet. They're broke. They're needy. They're mean. And, most importantly they think that their fucking issue about the guy who doesn't want them is what truly matters.

"Newsflash!!!! You bat-shit crazy twats-that pit in your stomach is your intuition and it's telling you...HE DOESN'T WANT YOU!!!!!! But sure, spend your rent money to be told once more or maybe not be told once more...who knows...because you keep fucking calling and nothing has changed!!!!"

These women will spend their last dime on a reading and I have to just grin and bare it. Holding onto to the illusion that this poorly paid job is worth keeping. When all I really want to say is, "Lady, you don't need a psychic reading. You need a psychiatrist!"  

And don't even get me started on the ones who think that this is a free service. Oh yes, they are out there. They put their readings on a tab and pay later and I have to grin and bare it...when all I really want to say is, "If you don't have the fucking money for a fucking psychic reading then don't get one!!!" I mean, am I coming into your place of employment asking for something for nothing? Better yet how about this-how 'bout a little tact. Let's say you put one reading on a tab and you leave it at that. No? You want to call three times and put all those readings on a tab? Sure, why not? I mean, we don't need to pay our bills or anything. As long as you-you bat-shit crazy twat-get your reading!

This isn't me. I'm not this angry. I'm not this mean. I'm not this easily irritated....but every time the phone rings, I want to cringe. It's like nails on a chalkboard. I want to scream because I recognize the phone numbers. I want to yell at these women and call them out! I want to jump through the phone and tell them to get a fucking grip on life and if they can't then go seek professional help or just off yourself so when the apocalypse happens, the rest of us won't have to carry around the dead weight. 

What a joke. I mean really. I make peanuts to deal with crazy and I hate it. Truthfully, if it wasn't for my second job, I wouldn't be able to live. This job doesn't even cover the rent, let alone can be depended upon as a reliable source or income..so why am I keeping it? Very good question.

All I want to do is create things. I want to write and get paid for it. I want to make art and work in my garden. I want to make a living doing that. I don't need to be rich. I just want to be comfortable....but then again doesn't everyone else?

A few years ago, I made a vision board. Every mock cut out stood for something and I can't give up on that something. It's been the only thing motivating me thus far and I will be damned if I give up now. I know what I'm doing isn't it. I know this hostile attitude isn't a trait I admire and I know I have to get out of this pool before I drowned myself in forced decisions.

Goal for the year: to focus on and make a reality the things I really want in life. Starting now.

Guess Who's Coming To Dinner

We started 2016 off with a bang. An astrological bang that is. We began it with Mercury in retrograde. Now, I don’t know about you but when Mercury decides to slow down-I feel like the world and those in it are all aboard a month long, unwanted roller coaster ride conducted by a super charged full moon. By the end of it, I’m exhausted. And…ready for it to be over. This seems to be the general overall consensus.

Now multiple that by an actual full moon and planets being aligned and you have a nice little dinner party where the plates get broken and that nice white carpet is destroyed by your drunk friend who just had to have red instead of white. Metaphorically speaking of course, but you get idea. Nevertheless, we love the dinner party and regardless of the broken dishware or the stained floor, we are blessed that we can have a dinner party after all.   

Throughout the years, I have learned to prepare for such events. Kind of like how one prepares for a bad storm approaching. With enough warning, one can survive power outages or flooding. Mercury, as it slows down-almost demands us to do the same. Sure, we don’t always listen but when we don’t, we usually learn the hard lessons that Mercury was trying to have us avoid. No harm. No foul. We all need lessons from time to time. However; the wiser we get, the easier the blows from the lessons are to take.  

When the retrograde starts-April 14^th-May 31^st-stop. Take note, reflect, go inward and just breathe. Nothing too heavy should be solved at this time. And, it’s totally understandable. Think for a second. When we slow down for a minute-we gain perspective. We see multiple sides and we are allowed time to solve issues-some small, some big. Doesn’t matter. Truth is coming to us and we are being reminded that quickly reacting to something may not necessarily be wise and that wonderful things can manifest with patience. Mercury in retrograde has always tried to tell us this. It just unfortunately comes with a lot of mishaps and miscommunications, so we often tune it out.

Just like Mercury retrogrades, I used to also hide from the full moon. I used to believe that it was just a dumping ground for negative energy. Overtime, I have learned to embrace full moons. In my own little ways I celebrate the full moon and all its glory. I can’t stop my life because of a full moon. Just like I can’t stop my life during retrograde. I mean, really who can? I can however, slow down. The full moon just like retrograde is a time to recharge, cleanse, be thankful and once again reflect. It’s not a time to dream big or ask for more. It’s a time to pause and praise. This full moon, like many, will be split among celebration and solitude. As it should.

The recent planetary alignment can also attest to this. I think it’s very coincidental that a time of utter chaos in our cosmos, our most visible planets decide to line up. As to say, regardless of the rowdy party going on around us, we’re in this harmonious dance together. It’s a beautiful reminder of the ebb and flow of life.

So as I prepare for the Wolf Moon to make its entrance and Mercury to pack up for its departure, I swing hand in hand with my universe above and am reminded that without the crazy, we’ll never understand nor appreciate the calm.